Only Believe……..

So here I am, I come home from work and I make it up in my mind to spend sometime with The Lord before embarking on my usual after work routine. I kneel to pray for a friend and gather that I will move on to the rest of my after work hoop-ta-la but I felt a nudge inside that said, that was for her, now I need you. I grab my Bible and read. I have a Women’s Devotional Bible so I hit the back and look up devotionals under the topic “Faith in Christ”. The title of the devotional Like A Lamb . The scripture reference is Mark 10:13-16 with the targeted verse being 15 & 16.

The devotional goes on to tell the story of Author and Shepherd Phillip Keller who wrote about coming home with a couple of shivering baby lambs on a cold stormy night. The devotional goes on to say children, like lambs trust that their needs will be met and safety will be provided, they don’t look at situations as adults do; with a side-eye not really trusting that whats said will be whats done. However Jesus makes it clear in the noted passages that we must receive the Kingdom of God like a little child or we will never enter it!   At the end of the devotional the writer says “Close your eyes and picture yourself resting your head on Jesus’ chest.  Can you hear His heart beating with love for you?” So I close my eyes……..I look…….and I am not resting on Jesus’ chest.

-gasp-tears

But I couldn’t open my eyes.  

I am sitting in a window seat as a little girl looking out the window with my knees curled to my chest and Jesus is sitting on the other end with His hand extended saying ” I won’t hurt you“.

….tears … even as I am rewriting…..

I can’t bring myself to look at Him full on because I’ve heard that before.  But yet, He never drops His hand.  It’s still extended.

I love you

……tears…. I’ve heard that before and I was nearly destroyed.

I reluctantly extend my child like hand to Him, still looking from the corner of my eye, knowing that at any moment, this can go wrong…I will be hurt… at least that’s whats playing in my mind.  My mind as a little girl.

I sit, there with my Bible to my chest and I just let the tears flow.  I don’t want to open my eyes because I need to see, will the little girl in me accept the embrace of my Savior?

I don’t.

I allow Him to touch my hand, And I place it back in its place on the tops of my knees.

And all I can say is Jesus.

Jesus.

Jesus – what am I to do with this?

“Write.”

If God requires faith like a child from a woman whose faith was destroyed as a child, how is that fair?  Isn’t there another way? How will my faith be restored, let alone to that of a child? Lord? How?

“Relationship”

“Get to know Me. And I will restore you.”

If I was able to look at my soul, it would probably look like shattered glass being held together by tape, and painted beautifully so that no one could really tell what was underneath.  Oh how I want the paint to be washed away…but that would require A LOT! I mean a lot a lot!  When your faith in people and circumstances is shattered as a child, you learn to adapt.  You learn to not anticipate, expect or plan for greater.  Your visions will be great, but that broken place will always keep you from moving forward.  The words that can be expressed are priceless, but the heart that they are coming from believes if for YOU but never for itself.

How is that fair? It’s not fair!

I want better.  I want freedom.  I want to be whole.  I want to be healed.  But how is that attainable when confidence in help is foreign?

As the vision of this little girl, beautiful in the face, but disfigured in the heart, plays in my head, I can hear her heart screaming for the embrace to be real.  For it to be authentic. For it to save her.  But her mind tells her that it’s better to sit here than it is to move over to that side.  His side.  Jesus’ side.  See this here side that she is on is safe.  No one can hurt her here.  She’s protected here.  At least she believes that, until today.

Today she’s an adult, although she is standing, her inner self is still curled up, afraid. Longing.  Hoping for the day that she will be released from the bondage that is found in lost faith.

Lord God in the Name of Jesus, Your Word says that You stand on the right hand of The Father making intercession for me night and day.  Please speak on my behalf now.  I’m afraid. I am lost. But I long for You.  You said that You tend to your flock like a shepherd and that You will take me in Your arms and carry me close to Your heart.  Lord I don’t think that I have to the strength to reach out.  I don’t have the courage to reach out.  But please hear the plea and the cry of my heart, Your daughter’s heart, take me into Your arms and hold me until the fear is gone.  Until my faith is restored, until my tears are dried.  Hold me Lord until my legs leap for joy and skip happily to Your loving arms with no reservation.

I need You Lord……

I love you to life….but God…He’ll love you from faith to faith to faith until you only believe…..

Smooches,

Kisha

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