Here I am on my daily ride on the bus to work, I begin to think about Jesus. I suffered a breakdown this weekend. It literally felt like the weight of my entire 33 years on this earth had crashed down on my body like a huge block of concrete! I couldn’t stop crying! I couldn’t stop feeling sorry for myself, but worst of all I couldn’t stop blaming my husband! See, everything that I was feeling, inadequate, unloved, uncared for, not liked. I even said to him ” for once, I wish that someone thought that I was worth a sacrifice! For once, I wish that someone would think that I was worth it! The sad reality is, I was so wrong to burden him with that. But as the old saying goes (and holds true) we hurt those closests to us……*sigh*
I cried and cried some more. I even sent him a text message and said, “this is it! I can’t do this anymore, I’m checking myself into the hospital, because I just can handle this thing called life anymore!”
He asked me, “babe, did you pray? Did you read? Did you WRITE?” My reply to each question…”NOPE I CAN’T!” See isn’t it funny how my husband immediately recognized my “arsenal of weapons” to use to fight this war and I didn’t? War?? Oh yes, it was a war, and honey, I was losing…..BIG TIME!
This whole meltdown started Friday. that I noticed, but I’m sure it began long before that. I cried, Friday, and woke up with swollen eyes. I cried all day Saturday…just couldn’t take it! Just couldn’t! When I fell asleep Saturday night I had the worst dream! It shook me to the core, and forced me to get up and grab my Bible and my journal. The Holy Spirit led me to read about the last days leading up to the crucifixion of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. As I read, I begin to write and God showed me that He saved the revelation of this Word, for that very moment in my life! And boy, was it a REVELATION! I’m crying “nobody loves me, nobody cares, nobody is willing to sacrifice anything for me….and here it was in my face BAM!!! Nobody what??!!
See I was ” looking for love in all the wrong places, looking for love!” ( I think that’s a song….) But I digress….I was looking for someone that I loved here on this earth, to make the sacrifice that was already made by Jesus! A sacrifice that even on their best day, they couldn’t fulfill!!! Seriously, no dis’, but its real talk! God begin to reveal to me that HE made the ultimate sacrifice! He sent His Son, to take on the weight of this world…better yet, He sent His Son to take on the weight of ME! WOW!!!! Huge!
So as I’m riding on the bus,( now I’m at my desk), I can’t help but think, that Jesus truly was the ULTIMATE GIFT! I sat and thought about what it really meant for Him to take on the sin of this world. He took on everything….the murdered and the murderer, the molested and the molester, the lied to and the liar, the burglar and the burglarized, the hurt, and the hurter, the slave and the slave master, the adulterer, the fornicator, the abused, the victimized, you name it, He hung on the cross and bore the weight of EVERY SIN TO EVER BE COMMITED BY EVERYONE WHO WALKED AND WOULD WALK THE FACE OF THIS EARTH! Man………..all……for ……me, truly, the ULTIMATE GIFT!
So on this God-given morning I am stepping with new purpose because during that middle of the night experience when I read about what Jesus did for me, a piece of me died…you know that piece who said…”Nobody has ever done anything for me!” Well it died! And if it ever tries to resurrect itself, I can stand firm in the truth that my savior Jesus has done more that I am worthy to ask for in a lifetime, but He thought that I was worth it, truly a gift!
I am learning that I have to be strengthened on the inside to deal with this life on the outside, I read that before Jesus did anything, He prayed, and I’m sure it was for strength to make it through whatever He had to do that day, and if it worked for Him, I’m certain it will work for me! His word tells me that if I want to follow Him. I have to deny myself and take up my cross everyday….He’s so mindful that He said everyday, which means He allows us to rest at night…I just love Him!
But I just will leave you with this, if your looking for the perfect gift for someone, share who Jesus is….and I bet no one can EVER top that gift!
You Are Blessed!!